I was talking to one of my bestest friends about this very thing not too long ago when I came across a newsletter from the website GOOP that I subscribe to. My girl Gwyneth posed the question that I have been posing to myself more and more recently, and that is:
“What do you do when you realize that although you may have years of history, and found real value in each other in times past, that you kind of don't like a friend anymore?"
Have any of you ever felt this way? How did you handle it? I am forever the eternal optimist, trying to always find the best in people and always trying to be compassionate and understanding. Sometimes, however, it just doesn't matter and all you really want to do is file for friendship divorce.
I thought the contributors had some really insightful comments and thoughts on the subject, and I especially liked the piece written by Cynthia Bourgeault who says that while oftentimes friendships are situational, true friends do still exist "amongst all the situational flux". She goes on to say that these “ 'friends forever,' ” however they play out in your particular life situation, always seem to share three characteristics: (1) They have a capacity to grow with you (and you with them) through life’s changing circumstances; 2) They are low-maintenance, rarely-to-never imposing themselves or laying expectations on you; and 3) contact with them, when it comes, is never a duty, but always a gift “heart to heart.” Such friends—always a rare and special breed — have an uncanny knack for being able to stay in tune with you emotionally over huge gaps of time and space. Maybe you don’t hear from them for three years — or thirty — but then the phone rings and there they are again, and it’s like picking up as if you never left off."
I loved this because it reinforced my belief that while, yes, many of the friendships I have are situational, my true frienships are anything but friends of convenience. Actually, when I think about the friends I have that really are "forever friends", I realize that we have more differences in our lives than we have commonalities.
Which brings me to my final thought...is it okay to have these types of feelings? Sure is, and guess what? Not only is it normal, it's also healthy to feel this way and actually do something about it. You're not a "bad person" if you feel like a "friend" does more harm than good in when it comes to your life and well being and changing that dynamic will make you better for it in the long run.
Very good blog Suz!! Ive been asking myself this very question for the past few months about one of my friends of 7 years.. Life happens, and true colors show. It's sad really. Hope all is well with you dollface!
ReplyDeleteGrrrrrreat post! I recently "divorced" a friend of mine after many years of friendship. She said some pretty hurtful things during our infertility/adoption journey and I felt like it was better to be done with things before she did more irreparable damage to our so-called friendship. She wasn't "growing with me [us] through my [our] life's changing circumstances" and I knew what I needed to do and did it. As I get older, I realize that it's better to only have a few "forever friends" than a million friends that don't really care about what's going on in my life. Quality over quantity, you know?
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies! I definitely agree with the sentiment "quality over quantity". Something else I've learned the hard way over the last few months is the the "friends" I thought surely would be there for me weren't/aren't and those that I never guessed would, were/are. But like you said Amber, it's better to realize it sooner rather than later and allow for more irreparable damage to occur.
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